Therapist Blog – Glenn Burdick, MA, LMSW

Yes, we all know marriage is ‘hard work’. This old wise saw suggests that if a couple just ‘tries hard’ enough they will have a happy, successful marriage. However, we also know that ‘doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results’ is sheer folly. Wanting your marriage to succeed is the right motivation, but couples usually lack the knowledge about how to create trust, emotional safety, and intimacy in their marriage, especially once one or both partners become more defensive and guarded. Where would a couple get this knowledge? In this day and age we typically live away from our parents and extended families. Even if we lived nearby, would our parents or other relatives have the answers? Were they able to handle their own conflict and defensiveness in a way that would be healthy and helpful for us?

Knowing that marriage is ‘hard work’ really doesn’t help us cope with the challenges and demands of partnership in a skillful way! In contemporary society people are incredibly busy, and very often both partners work full-time. Nonetheless, couples need to somehow acquire the right relationship knowledge and skills. Unless you were very lucky to have been raised by parents who were great at communication, maintaining intimacy and conflict resolution, you will too.

Outside of encouraging us to keep trying to solve our problems, the idea that we SHOULD be able to solve our own problems is truly unhelpful, and often results in feelings of shame and failure. I SHOULD be able to repair my own automobile, grow my own food, remodel my own house, heal my pets, never let my loved ones get sick, and be smart enough to never experience a personal, financial or business setback!%?!! I’ve never noticed that these expectations helped me to have a more successful and fulfilling life. How about you? Let’s just drop the ‘SHOULD’ and do what actually works!

Far too often one or both partners in a marriage believe they should have been able to fix their own problems just by struggling long and hard enough, and that divorce is the only remaining option when they just can’t take the struggle anymore. Please don’t let this happen to you. Get the help that stands a good chance of really making a difference in your marriage!