Even in the best marriages there are behaviors and characteristics of one’s partner that you just have to accept, even though they frustrate, irritate and irk you. Then there are more general issues, like the fact that approximately 85% of the time it’s the wife that brings the emotional issues to the table, not the husband! That’s certainly not fair, even if it’s the way things typically work even in a good marriage.

The fact is there will always be conflict when two or more people live in close contact with each other. Each person has their own individual inner world of experience, their own perceptions, their own preferences, wants and needs. And there will always be disagreements as a result of this very healthy individuality.  Therefore, the fact that a couple has conflicts and disagreements doesn’t actually ‘prove’ anything about them. In fact, sometimes the couples with the least amount of conflict have the least amount of intimacy and passion. Many couples lead ‘parallel’ lives as co-parents, co-owners of a home, etc. but don’t have a truly intimate and fulfilling emotional or physical relationship. Would you really prefer that?

If you are experiencing uncomfortable amounts of conflict in your marriage, I strongly encourage you to learn the art and science of turning conflict into feelings of connection and intimacy. There is a very learnable process you can use when conflict arises that will keep it emotionally safe and result in feelings of understanding and real empathy. A couple’s confidence grows a great deal once they experience the power and benefits from being able to do this consistently. I’ve seen this make all the difference in the world for couples, even couples headed for divorce.

If you are starting to think that your two choices are getting divorced or suffering endlessly from emotional distance in your relationship, I urge you to get professional help in establishing this kind of communication in your marriage. Most people (including mental health professionals!) will need professional help working through the most upsetting, ‘touchiest’ issues in their relationship in this way. Even if you are on the brink of divorce it’s not too late to attempt this. At very least it can help the process of separation and divorce to be calmer and more respectful. A significant amount of the time it can actually take couples back from the brink of divorce and give them an inspiring future together and a positive path forward into the kind of connection they’ve always wanted. In your heart of hearts, if you really want an emotionally fulfilling intimate relationship with a partner, learning to move from conflict to connection is definitely the way to go!

The fact is, we cannot make another person change. That is simply common sense. However, our partner can want to change in a lasting way if they really sense the suffering one of their behaviors is causing us. Our partner’s willingness and ability to change their behavior will typically only arise when we can both get past our defensive reactivity, and that requires the ability to communicate through conflict and arrive at genuine understanding and empathy for our each others’ experience.

Being able to put aside our defensive reactions and genuinely understand and be touched by each other’s suffering is a game changer. Many if not most couples cannot do this without professional help, but it is a common accomplishment of the right kind of marriage counseling.

I know, we were talking about your partner’s defensiveness, not yours, but the task is the same for all of us. Let’s take a moment and imagine what your partner is thinking and feeling that might explain why they are either oblivious to our needs or resistant to our requests for change. Are they feeling acknowledged, unconditionally loved, respected, and like their needs and feelings are being heard and appreciated by you? Perhaps they perceive your upset with them as a rejection, or a judgment that they are inadequate. Believing that would make most of us defensive! Therein lies the problem. In order to get through to our partner, we need to be able to express our needs to them in a way that doesn’t put them on the defensive, even though we are feeling mighty upset already. Not easy!

What can help to empower you in this situation? You can become a first-class communicator yourself! Once you learn how to much more effectively engage your partner in communication around your feelings and concerns your chances of having an impact will increase significantly. Just as importantly, you can learn to respond to your partner’s communication in a way that will cause them to feel accurately heard, validated, and cared about. This often has the effect of making them more willing to give you the quality of attention you need, and the heart-felt motivation to meet your concerns and needs in a way that works better for you.

It may not seem fair that you will have to take this on, and you may be right…it’s not exactly fair, but it may well get you what you need. It will require you to understand how your own behavior and communication style can improve. There actually are ‘ABC’s’ that you can learn about effective communication. This learning begins with finding the humility to realize that you have, perhaps without realizing it, also been contributing some to the problems in your marriage, even if your partner has been awfully difficult to live with. My mentor, Harville Hendrix, PhD, has often said, ‘you can be right, or you can be married!’

By the way, your partner may believe that all the problems in the marriage are your fault! Even in that case, learning to listen, validate and empathize with your partner can begin to reduce the distance between the two of you. Most of us will need the support of a relationship professional to accomplish this, but it is very empowering and satisfying to be coached in doing something that is actually working to turn the situation around. Ultimately both you and your partner will have to share this responsibility, regardless of who takes the first step.

Accepting that something of the greatest importance needs to be accomplished, regardless of who is ‘at fault’, is the first step. The next step is to learn what needs to be done and how to do it. Getting the right kind of help can make what seemed impossible, very doable!

(Photo Credit: bored-now) / CC BY-NC-ND 2.0