There are many myths about marriage that cause confusion and doubt. One such myth is that a ‘good’ marriage would be nearly conflict free and should be more or less effortlessly romantic, and require only minor tune-ups along the way. How many marriages do you know that work this way? In fact, some of the best research on marriages paints a different picture (more on the research in a future post).
Even in the best marriages there are behaviors and characteristics of one’s partner that you just have to accept, even though they frustrate, irritate and irk you. Then there are more general issues, like the fact that approximately 85% of the time it’s the wife that brings the emotional issues to the table, not the husband! That’s certainly not fair, even if it’s the way things typically work even in a good marriage.
The fact is there will always be conflict when two or more people live in close contact with each other. Each person has their own individual inner world of experience, their own perceptions, their own preferences, wants and needs. And there will always be disagreements as a result of this very healthy individuality. Therefore, the fact that a couple has conflicts and disagreements doesn’t actually ‘prove’ anything about them. In fact, sometimes the couples with the least amount of conflict have the least amount of intimacy and passion. Many couples lead ‘parallel’ lives as co-parents, co-owners of a home, etc. but don’t have a truly intimate and fulfilling emotional or physical relationship. Would you really prefer that?
If you are experiencing uncomfortable amounts of conflict in your marriage, I strongly encourage you to learn the art and science of turning conflict into feelings of connection and intimacy. There is a very learnable process you can use when conflict arises that will keep it emotionally safe and result in feelings of understanding and real empathy. A couple’s confidence grows a great deal once they experience the power and benefits from being able to do this consistently. I’ve seen this make all the difference in the world for couples, even couples headed for divorce.
If you are starting to think that your two choices are getting divorced or suffering endlessly from emotional distance in your relationship, I urge you to get professional help in establishing this kind of communication in your marriage. Most people (including mental health professionals!) will need professional help working through the most upsetting, ‘touchiest’ issues in their relationship in this way. Even if you are on the brink of divorce it’s not too late to attempt this. At very least it can help the process of separation and divorce to be calmer and more respectful. A significant amount of the time it can actually take couples back from the brink of divorce and give them an inspiring future together and a positive path forward into the kind of connection they’ve always wanted. In your heart of hearts, if you really want an emotionally fulfilling intimate relationship with a partner, learning to move from conflict to connection is definitely the way to go!
